Can the old dog learn tricks that should've been learned from birth?
Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I am doing.
When there are just so many varying theories as to exactly what my problem is, and when there is a lack of a solid base to fall back on, it's tempting to just do what everybody tells you.
I'm 29 years old. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should've found myself by now. Should've experienced life, gotten a career, started a family.
When I was a kid, we used to keep a family dog named Patch, a mixed breed dog. In the first five or six years of his life, my dad kept it in a kennel (although it was more akin to a CAGE), where it stayed 24/7. By the time it was finally let out to run free in the back yard, it was untrainable. It was never taken out on walks.
"Training" actually consisted of my Dad responding to loud barking by throwing a cup full of water at it. Bringing another dog over was disastrous, as the two just fought.
It died of old age, living a very, VERY unfulfilled life. Never fully accepted by all members of the family, never being anything more than something that barked, slept, ate, and crapped.
Times like this I feel like that dog.
So overprotected, never feeling like going out and experiencing life for myself. When I finally do, I'm so scared that I unconsciously set myself up for failure. Lack of social skills yielded rejection from my peers. I couldn't make it after film school and I had to stop that. In desperation, I almost ended up going to Taiwan to teach ESL. I became so depressed that I couldn't leave my parent's house for a week. I settled into a crappy retail job that they had to force me to quit.
I know a lot of this can be changed by personal choice, but I don't feel like I have the proper base to make those informed decisions. Or, to have enough confidence to execute them with conviction.
One of the few people whom I've opened up to about my condition will read this. I'm glad I found her, but I'm trying to avoid relying on her, because at some point, I'll have to figure this out on my own.
When there are just so many varying theories as to exactly what my problem is, and when there is a lack of a solid base to fall back on, it's tempting to just do what everybody tells you.
I'm 29 years old. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should've found myself by now. Should've experienced life, gotten a career, started a family.
When I was a kid, we used to keep a family dog named Patch, a mixed breed dog. In the first five or six years of his life, my dad kept it in a kennel (although it was more akin to a CAGE), where it stayed 24/7. By the time it was finally let out to run free in the back yard, it was untrainable. It was never taken out on walks.
"Training" actually consisted of my Dad responding to loud barking by throwing a cup full of water at it. Bringing another dog over was disastrous, as the two just fought.
It died of old age, living a very, VERY unfulfilled life. Never fully accepted by all members of the family, never being anything more than something that barked, slept, ate, and crapped.
Times like this I feel like that dog.
So overprotected, never feeling like going out and experiencing life for myself. When I finally do, I'm so scared that I unconsciously set myself up for failure. Lack of social skills yielded rejection from my peers. I couldn't make it after film school and I had to stop that. In desperation, I almost ended up going to Taiwan to teach ESL. I became so depressed that I couldn't leave my parent's house for a week. I settled into a crappy retail job that they had to force me to quit.
I know a lot of this can be changed by personal choice, but I don't feel like I have the proper base to make those informed decisions. Or, to have enough confidence to execute them with conviction.
One of the few people whom I've opened up to about my condition will read this. I'm glad I found her, but I'm trying to avoid relying on her, because at some point, I'll have to figure this out on my own.
posted by Vince @ 2:40 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
Bunny, look. We all gotta start somewhere. If you're starting later than some people... so what... at least you're starting. If you need to rely on someone... if you know you can rely on them... then do so. The worst thing in the world is to have no one to go through things with. We were not meant to be lone creatures, you know!
You can figure yourself out, because you know yourself best... but getting help along the way to sort out other crap is not unreasonable nor unexpected.
As for being 29 and feeling "old" ... remember.. HEY. I'm 28??? What are you saying about ME? yeesh. *hugz* I'd say more, but I'm getting verbose and sentimental... we'll save that for later. :D
-D
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