Moving Forth
As I write this, the angriest woman in the world sits at my computer, more than likely spewing justifiably pissed off rants towards her closest friends and on her blog about what a huge piece of shit that I've become. After months of hoping that I wouldn't be "that guy," turns out that I am. Six months into a relationship, I am presented with the opportunity to move in with my girlfriend, which gets me very stressed out to the point that I'm breaking out in hives and now have deep gouges on my forearms from scratching in my sleep.
I guess she would qualify as a "long suffering" type, even though we've only been dating for about 6 months. Having already rejected her once, made her cry on more than a few occasions, and hurt her more than anyone I've done, she's likely close to leaving me and kicking me to the curb. As my first relationship, I thought I could try much harder, but sadly, trying isn't enough, as so much as doing.
This seems to be a recurring pattern in my life, where I am presented with an opportunity to do something great, yet I end up choking at the last second and failing to make a decision. Either that, or I fail to properly plan the decision making process, costing me time and money. I get scared and stressed every time that I am faced with a life-changing (and possibly improving) choice and become way too overwhelmed to follow through. So I don't.
I came to the painful realization that I never actually made a decision for myself in my life. Everything from my jobs to my current relationship was something that came way too easy to me, so I've become complacent and am realizing that my life isn't going nearly as far as it should. Certain milestones that should have been reached have been missed on my path to turning 30.
I can't justify any of this and all I know is I have ultimately betrayed someone who I'm supposed to care about more than anything in the world. If I drop her off at her apartment after today, I may never see her again. Everything she has said has come true and it scares me to death. She needs me to be a man and stand up for myself. So far I have been failing her and I have failed myself.
When it comes to shit-or-get-off-the-pot, I consistently choke and that's something that really needs to change. All my decisions have been ultimately made by others and if I continue to live life like that, I'm not going to get that far.
This happened with almost going to Taiwan and backing out. This happened with having missed so many opportunities to move on with my life, but instead, making excuses. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough...balls.
My sister called to check in. I hung up. My girlfriend to tell me to call my babysitter back.
You deserve better, Denise. I'm sorry. You were right about everything.
I guess she would qualify as a "long suffering" type, even though we've only been dating for about 6 months. Having already rejected her once, made her cry on more than a few occasions, and hurt her more than anyone I've done, she's likely close to leaving me and kicking me to the curb. As my first relationship, I thought I could try much harder, but sadly, trying isn't enough, as so much as doing.
This seems to be a recurring pattern in my life, where I am presented with an opportunity to do something great, yet I end up choking at the last second and failing to make a decision. Either that, or I fail to properly plan the decision making process, costing me time and money. I get scared and stressed every time that I am faced with a life-changing (and possibly improving) choice and become way too overwhelmed to follow through. So I don't.
I came to the painful realization that I never actually made a decision for myself in my life. Everything from my jobs to my current relationship was something that came way too easy to me, so I've become complacent and am realizing that my life isn't going nearly as far as it should. Certain milestones that should have been reached have been missed on my path to turning 30.
I can't justify any of this and all I know is I have ultimately betrayed someone who I'm supposed to care about more than anything in the world. If I drop her off at her apartment after today, I may never see her again. Everything she has said has come true and it scares me to death. She needs me to be a man and stand up for myself. So far I have been failing her and I have failed myself.
When it comes to shit-or-get-off-the-pot, I consistently choke and that's something that really needs to change. All my decisions have been ultimately made by others and if I continue to live life like that, I'm not going to get that far.
This happened with almost going to Taiwan and backing out. This happened with having missed so many opportunities to move on with my life, but instead, making excuses. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough...balls.
My sister called to check in. I hung up. My girlfriend to tell me to call my babysitter back.
You deserve better, Denise. I'm sorry. You were right about everything.
posted by Vince @ 9:19 PM
1 Comments:
At 7:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
man i hope you figure this shit out quickly! you seem to get a lot out clearly on this blog...when i kept an actual written journal i re-read it a lot to compare past situations and it helped me in the long run to not make the same mistakes over and over again.
You made decisions in your life i figure, you choose to get up, you choose to go to work or school each day, you choose to eat, you choose to be sexual, you choose to choose, you choose to write this blog. I see a lot of decisions.
good luck with this and stay strong - do not do anything you really dont want to do and in reality dont have to do - everyone becomes miserable if you choose to do nothing. ya know?
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